sadly true…

i’m trying to muster up this energy….i have my 2 eldest girls coming over for dinner & tattoo…one, may not be by blood but she’s part of me, turns 18 thursday. so she’s obviously getting a tattoo from me…well not by me…my bf got that part….

anyhow. it’s gonna be a houseful of my kids…not a thing that happens all that often…im a weekend/spring break/etc mom to the youngest.

so they’re at the store picking up last minute dinner stuff and i’m kinda not wanting to fake it. tho, i must. lately i’ve been much that of a recluse and stir crazy at the same time. how does that even happen? anyhow, i will smile and forget the seether as it’s bearing its weight on me. 

how flipping cool? cos that’s what it feels like-the veruca salt song “seether”. one of my favortist music band has the same name. where they have a song called “fake it”. where i took upon myself to call this blog by the very same name. 

thank you crazy brain of mine. for in writing i just got this super calm in my revelation. “can’t fight the seether”

what to say, what to say 

not much to be writing about…im ugh and it’s not so much over my friends passing…it’s just not much to say…

trying to remember how to be a mom for more than a weekend…got my lil guy for the spring break…with the way my mood has been, i’m feeling bad that it may not go well.

faking it is only to a degree….you usually have time to be who you really are. 

what if the person you really are is quite a cunt ass bitch? i’m trying to not be so angry but i feel it more often…too much external without a hand is taxing….

missing yesterday’s walk really blew…i was looking forward to it, but i really didn’t loathe myself that much. took advantage to sleep. and sleep and then i got to sleep some more.

it’s to the point i hate sleep but what else is there to do? find a hobby, something i like to do. i know. i knit. i’m constantly knitting. which makes you kinda sleepy. i’ve enrolled in school and hoping that this certification i have decided to work for is worth it. i’m still keeping it to my own business, til i feel it is the right route for me. though i have a feeling ill excel. 

not to be cocky. i just always have loved writing and loved being published and acknowledged. years ago, i’m not sure what happened but the muse flew off…i can’t write anymore. obviously i can write, but write for reviews or interviews seems the youngsters are definitely trumping me. so i’m trying a similar genre but completely different. maybe seeing things through a different eye will be what i need to be doing.

sorry. ill let you go tonight. have a good one. remember, even if you hate it,all you got to do is fake it….

kinda out of it

been a few days…haven’t really been in the mood.

tho, i’ve been searching facebook for pages of suicide advocacy, quotes, etc. so damn sad that there are hundreds of these pages.

looking thru pics and commentaries, i found so many stating that “no one is listening” or “no one cares”

that’s so true. unless it happens in your inner circle, where you are affected, suicide and overdoses aren’t real. or they are people who were selfish who didn’t care about anyone but themselves. 

i don’t want to say it, but just wait. if it hasn’t affected you or a loved one(whether the act or surviving) guess what? it will. will you advocate then? will you notice how fukd up it is that truly no one is listening? 

i’ve included some memes i found around my searches…please join these fb groups, they need our support too!

irony is a bitch with sharp teeth….

i guess i’m just still too shocked to write a longer blog…

this morning i found out a close friend of decades ago had died. i actually wanted to hear it was a car accident, or something to do with his health.

i was right on the second-his mental health. for my poor dear high school friend was found dead. seems to be self inflicted, tho this is heresay.  so i can’t 100% say it, but that’s what i know.

it’s surreal. remembered hanging out like we just hung out weeks ago. weird how your brain and heart work like that…

today’s been rough, other issues press me…i want to advocate, i want to help, but i’m not  trained for this. my mental health has been askew decades. 

i need to thank my boyfriend, natas, for being here. tolerating the mess of today and  tantrums of prior… he doesn’t deserve it and i tell him so…i just wanted to publically declare.