almost gave up again…

almost gave up again…

story of my life…

this blog has a place inside of me, that i thought i’d keep secret.

then i decided to take to the internet to spread awareness about mental health/suicide.

that blog did considerably well, tho too embarrassing to share–the ups and downs of the disease/self medicating/detox/self harm, etc.

so i start this one—bleak but not as bleak and detailed mistakes along the way. sober or not, we all make them. huge and small, no one is left out of these mistakes. no matter how menial, if they meant the world, or meant enough to leave an impact over decades, consider them party fouls.

so back to my desertion–without meds, and unable to afford to self medicate all i am left with is ganja. maybe i’ve been a client of big pharmacy for so long, it’s like i toke to toke. not get high, not for anti-anxiety. i toke because i KNOW it’s supposed to help. i’m trying to get my brain to realize that the ssri/anti whatever’s are in the past. i gotta keep trucking to the future.

so, i made this outlet. in a way to also deal with a friend, who wasn’t a friend, tho my heart won’t let me speak ill of him. he overdosed a year ago. my bf isn’t a fan(not many ppl were) so i have kept it to myself. not anymore.

so, wowsers, i needed an outlet, huh? well a week in, a close high school friend was found dead from a self inflicted gun shot wound.

skipped a few days wondering if i should keep writing. so i shifted my focus on seether and their suicide awareness foundation and concert. 

a couple readers must have seen the seether tag or one of my tats cos i got a few readers.

then chris cornell died. i was a grunge kid, everything grunge, everything seattle. loved me some pearl jam & shortly after nirvana. chris cornell was in singles and i only know that because so was eddie vedder from pearl jam(my big crush) then came alice and stp, and all my fave bands. tho for petty reasons(my asshole brother dug soundgarden and i hated him so guilty by association) 

wait! don’t get me wrong, i dug badmotorfinger, saw them in 1992 lollapalooza. saw audioslave open for nine inch nails not even two years ago. so yea i think i built a wall to not feel what i have been told is unrealistic pain and mourning. when kurt cobain died it was spring break senior year. i had random ppl calling me to see if i was going to kill myself. luckily, i had kinda distancing nirvana from two weeks before, when he od’d in france. i thought it was bound to happen. kinda like with scott weiland. i loved him dearly but am surprised he made it that long. shannon hoon, layne stayley. i mourned every single one. i still feel a little breath knocked out of me remembering total strangers who don’t know, could care less, let alone aware i exist.

though, it doesn’t matter. i was hoping that the rise above this foundation would give me the chance to talk to seether about how badass they are for taking this stance. not scared of mental illness/suicide stigma. tho another pipe dream. keeping my everything crossed to get to see them in myrtle beach next month. they have meet and greet tickets(which means, unless the god/goddess of music winks in my direction) i interviewed them when disclaimer first came out without amy lee on broken. i was a star struck child(still kind of am) but i didn’t hear anything but fame, now i hear genuine good guys using their voices where voices are needed.

music has, and continues, and most likely will always have the answer, feeling, mindset, or just outright bizarre solution. my kids are the reason i can’t be selfish and allow my demons to force me into silence. tho, between you and me, it’s always been music, grunge, alternative, ballads, hard core rock have saved my life more than my kids.

as awful as it looks and seems, i’ve thought i don’t want my kids to have to see me/deal with my whacked out poo brain. i just remember that i became mentally stunted, as a kid from sexual trauma. i will not stunt my kids from me killing my self. 

yea, sometimes i’m way more sure than others. sometimes not so much!

mothers pastor

so i’m going through my fb feed…and it shows your memories and i was reminded of this..

2 years ago my moms church was at a loss. in complete shock and awe. a man, their pastor, a husband, father of two young children killed himself.

it was quite a conundrum cos in the christian faith, you kill your self, your bound to hellfire. so i speak my words that he calmed his demons that were too overwhelming and such. blasphemy!!!!

but it was their pastor…can’t you give another thought to anything?  he was a pastor who was “closer to their God” i would assume. so why damn him to hell?

the church flourishes to this day, nobody crumbled and that pastor isn’t really mentioned anymore…kinda under the rug, kind of thing.  anything not to tarnish the already stained church walls. shame is all i have over that. i will throw in a tsk as well…

why is it so hard for people to hide and run from suicide or acknowledging it? why am i bothering to write this anyway?
it’s for myself…i’m really broken but not shattered yet. i need to know that people are awake and aware that suicide doesn’t discriminate. 

wake up folks, if you haven’t already 

later—-my mom texts me with her reaction, so i think it only fair to include:

Hi baby I as usual read the postings in your blog. Love to see the compassion you emanate on it. But sort of things I think i want you to know. The condemning to hell those who commit suicide is only in the Roman Catholic Religion. In order to commit a sin you have to do it with a 100% clarity of mind. Does a person in complete despair have clarity of mind I don’t think so. And that we have forgotten or don’t talk abt Robert is not true. He was a very very dear friend and pastor to us and we miss him like we miss those that have departed from our lives. We keep his mom around us all the time. We made sure she is ok, meet with her every Sunday and take turns taking her to what we refer to her as her son’s church. Even that Gus widow lives with her parents in Kentucky we talk all the time with her and we had the honor that last year Scarlett was baptized at our church with an entire congregations as sponsors in fact today is Gus widows birthday.

another tat

my daughter drew this for me, with intent to be tattooed on me, a couple mother’s days ago…she pointed out how i hadn’t done it so i did.

well my boyfriend did. i must say he did an epic job. figures cos it’s on my back and i can’t see it!

i love it none the less. been getting more and more lately. taking advantage of the tats is my adult way of cutting. every time he hit a place that hurt, i’d remind myself i used to just slash myself open with disregard to “take away the pain” by inflicting some, at least these are pretty.

sadly true…

i’m trying to muster up this energy….i have my 2 eldest girls coming over for dinner & tattoo…one, may not be by blood but she’s part of me, turns 18 thursday. so she’s obviously getting a tattoo from me…well not by me…my bf got that part….

anyhow. it’s gonna be a houseful of my kids…not a thing that happens all that often…im a weekend/spring break/etc mom to the youngest.

so they’re at the store picking up last minute dinner stuff and i’m kinda not wanting to fake it. tho, i must. lately i’ve been much that of a recluse and stir crazy at the same time. how does that even happen? anyhow, i will smile and forget the seether as it’s bearing its weight on me. 

how flipping cool? cos that’s what it feels like-the veruca salt song “seether”. one of my favortist music band has the same name. where they have a song called “fake it”. where i took upon myself to call this blog by the very same name. 

thank you crazy brain of mine. for in writing i just got this super calm in my revelation. “can’t fight the seether”

what to say, what to say 

not much to be writing about…im ugh and it’s not so much over my friends passing…it’s just not much to say…

trying to remember how to be a mom for more than a weekend…got my lil guy for the spring break…with the way my mood has been, i’m feeling bad that it may not go well.

faking it is only to a degree….you usually have time to be who you really are. 

what if the person you really are is quite a cunt ass bitch? i’m trying to not be so angry but i feel it more often…too much external without a hand is taxing….

missing yesterday’s walk really blew…i was looking forward to it, but i really didn’t loathe myself that much. took advantage to sleep. and sleep and then i got to sleep some more.

it’s to the point i hate sleep but what else is there to do? find a hobby, something i like to do. i know. i knit. i’m constantly knitting. which makes you kinda sleepy. i’ve enrolled in school and hoping that this certification i have decided to work for is worth it. i’m still keeping it to my own business, til i feel it is the right route for me. though i have a feeling ill excel. 

not to be cocky. i just always have loved writing and loved being published and acknowledged. years ago, i’m not sure what happened but the muse flew off…i can’t write anymore. obviously i can write, but write for reviews or interviews seems the youngsters are definitely trumping me. so i’m trying a similar genre but completely different. maybe seeing things through a different eye will be what i need to be doing.

sorry. ill let you go tonight. have a good one. remember, even if you hate it,all you got to do is fake it….