story of my life…

this blog has a place inside of me, that i thought i’d keep secret.

then i decided to take to the internet to spread awareness about mental health/suicide.

that blog did considerably well, tho too embarrassing to share–the ups and downs of the disease/self medicating/detox/self harm, etc.

so i start this one—bleak but not as bleak and detailed mistakes along the way. sober or not, we all make them. huge and small, no one is left out of these mistakes. no matter how menial, if they meant the world, or meant enough to leave an impact over decades, consider them party fouls.

so back to my desertion–without meds, and unable to afford to self medicate all i am left with is ganja. maybe i’ve been a client of big pharmacy for so long, it’s like i toke to toke. not get high, not for anti-anxiety. i toke because i KNOW it’s supposed to help. i’m trying to get my brain to realize that the ssri/anti whatever’s are in the past. i gotta keep trucking to the future.

so, i made this outlet. in a way to also deal with a friend, who wasn’t a friend, tho my heart won’t let me speak ill of him. he overdosed a year ago. my bf isn’t a fan(not many ppl were) so i have kept it to myself. not anymore.

so, wowsers, i needed an outlet, huh? well a week in, a close high school friend was found dead from a self inflicted gun shot wound.

skipped a few days wondering if i should keep writing. so i shifted my focus on seether and their suicide awareness foundation and concert. 

a couple readers must have seen the seether tag or one of my tats cos i got a few readers.

then chris cornell died. i was a grunge kid, everything grunge, everything seattle. loved me some pearl jam & shortly after nirvana. chris cornell was in singles and i only know that because so was eddie vedder from pearl jam(my big crush) then came alice and stp, and all my fave bands. tho for petty reasons(my asshole brother dug soundgarden and i hated him so guilty by association) 

wait! don’t get me wrong, i dug badmotorfinger, saw them in 1992 lollapalooza. saw audioslave open for nine inch nails not even two years ago. so yea i think i built a wall to not feel what i have been told is unrealistic pain and mourning. when kurt cobain died it was spring break senior year. i had random ppl calling me to see if i was going to kill myself. luckily, i had kinda distancing nirvana from two weeks before, when he od’d in france. i thought it was bound to happen. kinda like with scott weiland. i loved him dearly but am surprised he made it that long. shannon hoon, layne stayley. i mourned every single one. i still feel a little breath knocked out of me remembering total strangers who don’t know, could care less, let alone aware i exist.

though, it doesn’t matter. i was hoping that the rise above this foundation would give me the chance to talk to seether about how badass they are for taking this stance. not scared of mental illness/suicide stigma. tho another pipe dream. keeping my everything crossed to get to see them in myrtle beach next month. they have meet and greet tickets(which means, unless the god/goddess of music winks in my direction) i interviewed them when disclaimer first came out without amy lee on broken. i was a star struck child(still kind of am) but i didn’t hear anything but fame, now i hear genuine good guys using their voices where voices are needed.

music has, and continues, and most likely will always have the answer, feeling, mindset, or just outright bizarre solution. my kids are the reason i can’t be selfish and allow my demons to force me into silence. tho, between you and me, it’s always been music, grunge, alternative, ballads, hard core rock have saved my life more than my kids.

as awful as it looks and seems, i’ve thought i don’t want my kids to have to see me/deal with my whacked out poo brain. i just remember that i became mentally stunted, as a kid from sexual trauma. i will not stunt my kids from me killing my self. 

yea, sometimes i’m way more sure than others. sometimes not so much!

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